Chapter one:
When I was young my world was turned upside down when an alien species attacked. I was only twelve but ill never forget how it happend. I can remember my mom covering us with her body when bombs racked the midnight sky on that frightfull night of June, I can also remember how she had tried to fight them off as they tried to drag me and my brother Jared away from her. The fight didnt last long and they killed her as well as my father, me and brother were dragged away to become slaves for the race. I became a slave for their leader due to fact that he admired my spunk and my attempts to escape. As i slaved for him the years passed slowly and now at age eighteen iam going to attempt another escape.
Please dont tell me your going to try again, my friend asked me in an exsasperated tone
"No", now be quiet, I snarled. Yes you are, she argued. Thats all for now but please help me figure it out a title i mean.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy well that is certainly quite the piece there. I don't believe I've written anything quite like that one before. It does paint a pretty interesting little premise here. I think with the sheer shock factor that you manage to bring to the table with how you introduce this particular piece does a lot to make a very impactful start here on this one.
The little bit of dialogue towards the end while its a tiny bit all over the place in terms of how the pacing works and how that transitions into that right after that first paragraph, it does manage to do a decent job as far as getting our attention goes and it works well enough to make you want to find out more.
Overall I think you have the ingredients all setup for a pretty solid piece out here. You just need to make this work a little bit better together and make that premise there into more of an introductory thing as opposed to a plot summary of sorts and make this dialogue fit into the situation a bit more seamlessly.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Iam currently trying to type more up for you guys but ive been busy so itll be awhile before i have time thanks
Yeah you did go through it really fast, and I agree with acid fairy that maybe you should start with a prologue and then describe slowly what happened during this chapter...which is rather short, but that's okay. It sounds as though it is going to be a good story that i'm sure i'll enjoy. Look forward for more crits from me.
i think you should do maybe a prologue and describe what happened that night. it would quite effective if you did that part in the present tense, and then switched back to past tense. not sure about the title, but then if the story it goes with is good-i guess it doen't matter that much!
Don't worry about the title, after you've become more used to the story and its charectars the title should come to you. But for now just work on writing the story.
I thought so too after i reread it...Im writing this down as i go and then typing it...there will be more later...im also thinking about restarting it and putting it in the romance catergory...Im still stuck on a title...can anyone help me out??
I know you don't need to be told this again, but, yeah, you should scrap this and start over a lot slower. It was like you just spat out you're whole idea in one paragraph without introducing the characters or setting.
I like this the beginning of this but the ending was bad. You start off telling us about the history and what not and then you get into the action. I didn't like that, ethier have just the action or just history. Since this is so small if you put both in there it seems rushed. And here:
"I can also remember how she had tried to fight them off as they tried to drag me and my brother"
The two 'tried's so close together in a sentence sounded to repetive. But since this is so small and has alot of mistakes I say scrap it and start over again, use the same plot, just re-write it.
What you need to do is scrap this and start all over again. You're rushing into it. It's a fairly standard premis for a science fiction novel, but there's nothing wrong with that. Any idea can be good in the right hands, whether it's a cliche or not. With space operas, I find it's better to just drop us into the action and explain things as it becomes necessary. Don't bother with a history lesson. Just get the story going.